Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Deckard Cain, LOLs

It started off in Battle.net forums and continued on Reddit Forums: the short-hand version of what went down in the plot of Diablo III.

If you head to the links above, make sure to check out the comments for added awesomeness.

VILLAGERS: OMG THE UNDEAD ARE RISING
LEAH: ITS JUST UNCLE DECKARDS CRAZY STORIES
*VILLAGER GETS HEAD EATEN OFF
LEAH: AGAIN, JUST STORIES, I ASSURE YOU
*NAKED OUT OF PLACE WITCH DOCTOR SHOWS UP
LEAH: I TOTALLY TRUST YOU COMPLETELY, LETS GO FIND UNCLE DECKARD
LEAH: LOOK THERE HE IS, FELL DOWN 100 FEET OR SO BUT HES FINE
*EVERYONE GOES BACK TO TOWN
DECKARD CAIN: RANDOM WITCH DOCTOR, GO KILL THE SKELETON KING, HE RESURRECTED JUST BECAUSE THIS ENTIRE ACT IS A DIABLO 1997 REFERENCE
WITCH DOCTOR: K
*WITCH DOCTOR KILLS SKELETON KING AND FINDS A NAKED BLACK MAN
WITCH DOCTOR: YO DECKARD, I FOUND THIS NAKED BLACK DUDE
DECKARD CAIN: K GO FIND HIS SWORD PIECES
WITCH DOCTOR: Y????
DECKARD CAIN: DUNNO LMAO, JUST A GUESS
*MAGDA SHOWS UP
MAGDA: I COME FROM WORLD OF WARCRAFT TO DESTROY U
WITCH DOCTOR: K LMAO ALREADY GOT THE SWORD PIECES
MAGDA: DAMN!!!!! ILL JUST GO STEAL THAT NAKED BLACK DUDE AND PROLONG THIS ACT FOR NO REASON
*SHOOTS FIRE AT CAIN, STEALS BLACK MAN
LEAH: STORIES KILLED MY UNCLE!!!!!!!!!
WITCH DOCTOR: PRETTY SURE MAGDA DID, NUB
*WITCH DOCTOR RUNS TO SAVE BLACK MAN
WITCH DOCTOR: OMG THE BUTCHER, ANOTHER POINTLESS RESURRECTION OF A 1997 DIABLO CHARACTER WITH NO EXPLANATION
BUTCHER: AH FRESH MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!
*BUTCHER DIES, BLACK MAN SAVED
TYRAEL: YO HERE I AM FOOL
WITCH DOCTOR: WHY U BLACK NOW DOG?
TYRAEL: TOKEN BLACK ANGEL LMAOOOOO
*GOES TO ACT 2
VILLAGERS: OMG THE PRINCE SENT ALL THE GUARDS AWAY
WITCH DOCTOR: HE MUST BE BELIAL IN DISGUISE
LEAH: NO, NO WAY, LET'S GO ON A POINTLESS QUEST TO DO A BUNCH OF CRAP DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
ADRIA: HEY DAUGHTER SUP
LEAH: OH HEY MOMS, JUST MORE STORIES TEEHEE
ADRIA: WE MUST GET THE BLACK SOULSTONE USING THIS OLD HORADRIM DUDE THAT CREATED IT
WITCH DOCTOR: K
*WITCH DOCTOR RECOVERS THE SOULSTONE:
WITCH DOCTOR: WAIT, HOW DID THE SOULS OF THE OTHER 5 DEMONS GET IN HERE ALREADY?
ADRIA: DON'T WORRY BOUT IT DOG... CHRIS METZEN
WITCH DOCTOR: GOT IT!
BELIAL: I AM THE WORST LIAR EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
WITCH DOCTOR: WE KNOW
*CAPTURES SOUL
*GOES TO ACT 3
AZMODAN: YO DAWG, ATTACKING UR RAMPARTS
WITCH DOCTOR: THANKS FOR THE LEAD BRO
AZMODAN: HEY NP DAWG, ATTACKING UNDERNEATH NOW
WITCH DOCTOR: HEY DUDE THANKS AGAIN, COULDNT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT U
AZMODAN: ANYTIME, HEY COME TO MY PLACE SO WE CAN SMOKE SOME BLOW
*WITCH DOCTOR GOES TO THE HEART OF SIN
WITCH DOCTOR: YO I BROUGHT THE WEED
AZMODAN: SWEET DAWG, BEING A WARLORD IS TOUGH
WITCH DOCTOR: JK LMAO, GOT UR SOUL
*GOES BACK TO BASE
WITCH DOCTOR: OMG LEAH IS THE PRIIIIIIME EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!
ADRIA: YEA PLANNED THIS 20 YEARS AGO DOG
WITCH DOCTOR: BUT, AGAIN, HOW DID U GET ALL THE SOULS IN HERE IF YOU JUST NOW GOT THE BLACK SOULSTONE?
ADRIA: CHRIST METZEN
WITCH DOCTOR: GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!
*GOES TO ACT 4
DIABLO: WELCOME TO MY REALM OF TEAR-OR!!!!!!!!! I AM THE PRIME EEEEVILLLLL
WITCH DOCTOR: WHY DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE A COMBINATION OF ALL THE EVILS THEN???
DIABLO: I DUNNO... ASK CHRIS METZEN
WITCH DOCTOR: K
DIABLO: CAN YOU TELL I'M A GIRL THIS GAME??? I CAN'T STOP TALKINGGGGGGG
DIABLO: LOOK TYRAEL, UR OWN LIEUTENANT
TYRAEL: WAIT, HOW DID IZUAL COME BACK?
DIABLO: CHRIS METZEN MADE IT HAPPENNNNNNNNNN
IZUAL: I AM BACK FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASONNNNNNN
*IZUAL DIES
DIABLO: HE WAS USELESS ANYWAY, COEM KILL MEEEEE
*WITCH DOCTOR ENTERS REALM OF TERROR
DIABLO: WELCOME TO MY REALM OF TEAR-ORRRRRR, NO ONE HAS EVER ESCAPED
*DIABLO DIES
TYRAEL: WE DID IT BOYS... ANGELS.... AND MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The comments indulged my two biggest forehead-smacking moments:

Too bad he skipped over the whole:
WITCH DOCTOR: "If we resurrect this Zoltan guy he's going to betray us.
LEAH: Of course he won't.
*Zoltan betrays you
*Kill Zoltan.

And:
WITCH DOCTOR: Y ARE THERE DEMONS IN THE STONE? U EVIL, GURL?
ADRIA: IT WAS MY PLAN ALL ALONG NOT EVIL MOVE ALONG